I hunger with an unknown emptiness. I have fasted since time immortal, from some unnamed, unknown something that cries to have me partake.  Not of physical food, not wisdom, not cultural, not emotional, nor spiritual nourishment. I have eaten of these and they have filled my body, my mind, and my soul. I am starving nonetheless. What more is there?

Within these three: body, mind, and soul, is something more. It is more than the sum of them. It is the essence, My Essence.

My essence has been starved. Starved from myself: by myself, by my habits, my thoughts, my actions and the contrived social norms I helped hold in place.

When did I accept the social norms as having a right to dictate my life? Once I disdained them. They were not meant for me: a wild child, a strong willed child, a free spirit. How did they come to define me?

I made vows. Without knowing what those vows meant or how they would shape my life. Why? Why take a vow that would kill my life force, my essence? Maybe I took them to protect myself, much like the Jews of Spain “converted” to Catholicism during the inquisition: to save their lives.

I took a vow to show no emotion to protect myself against the wrath of a parent who was terrified of feeling any emotion or to have any connection to her inner self. Another vow was taken to submit to parental authority, right or wrong because the physical and emotional pain of not submitting was beyond my belief that I could endure the punishment. I would be a good submissive daughter.

These vows were made in a split nanosecond with only the thought I would not give her the satisfaction of me crying or making a sound to, what I believed, was a harsh, severe, and unjust punishment. I didn’t even know I had made the vows until 40 years later. The cost of such a statement or unconscious vows was not part of the equation. There was no thought other than how to get through the next nine years before I could legally leave the house.

When I left the house (1970) what a glorious rebellion I had. My Free Spirit soared. I was a defiant strong willed young woman and my essence ran wild and free. On a rare visit to the home of my youth, my mother asked when was I going to go to college and become a professional. She implied my wildness caused me to be tainted goods so obviously no man would take me to wife. Flippantly I responded I would have two degrees before I turned 40.

Another vow! This one was the most damaging. It sealed the others into a pact that would ultimately send me to the brink of death and maybe beyond.

Ultimately I completed my 2 degrees before my 39th year. However, in those university years, I cut off my soul and with my carved up emotions, served them on a platter to the god of knowledge and the purist of doing, all in the hopes of attaining some salvation in capitalistic success.

In that process, I slashed my connection to my emotions and my power. Under my own volition, I chose development of my mental capacity over all else. All in the unconscious hope that if I got educated, had a degree or two in hand then I would finally have some approval from my mother.

What I received instead was an inner child that was so terrified of change and “others” that she hide in the deepest recesses of my inner self, an intellect that was so well developed it couldn’t speak in less than 4 syllable words, and a imprisoned impotent willpower that only knew to do as it was told. Essentially I had broken my essence into pieces. I was disenfranchised.

I had deprived myself of my birthright of letting my essence shine. Fortunately, there was enough of a viable spark left that I declared, but by what means I knew not, I was going to do something to feed my soul.

A woman friend became a mentor (1986) and helped reconnect me with the herbal remedies of my wild days. That learning led to another mentor, whose guidance took me from nubile to novice. Then another mentor (1998) showed up as I ‘outpaced’ the last one. Then another mentor showed up as I cautiously joined a healing school (2003). That decision saved my life. Immediately it gave me a sense that I had some intrinsic value. The three years of studied started to heal my disenfranchised parts.

The day after I graduated (2006) from Core Star, the energy healing school, my husband of almost 20 years died. The small bit of joy or playfulness that had survived my ‘maturation’ died with him. I became a zombie, doing what I had to, to survive.

For my own mental health, I had to leave everything I knew and start anew. Thanks to my energy schooling I had skills and abilities that returned more sparks of life to my inner self. I began to mend in ways that I could not have predicted.

However, I had spent so many years denying my essence, living someone else’s idea of a life I had depleted my creative juices. I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in February 2008. The oncologist told me I had less than 3 years to live if I didn’t follow her treatment plan. I might have 8 years if I did.

I chose my own plan. I had surgery because she scared me into it. But before and after I used all the alternative health ways I knew. I learned of and applied a few more also. After the surgery, she never suggested I undergo chemo or radiation, although that was on the table before surgery. In the last of many follow-up visits, she told me I was one of the lucky ones. How arrogant she was to ignore all the ‘work’ I had done to change my physical, mental and emotional situation so there would be no cause to create a regrowth of cancer.

With the help of more mentors and truth walkers slowly I grew back towards myself. Partway physically, then a little spiritually, a lot of emotional and mental reprogramming added in. Around and around the spiral I grew. Never the less I could not, would not let go of my intellectual leanings. They had kept me safe for so long they had become my self-definition.

They also kept me lock up. With my intellect firmly entrenched I could not access my creative playful part. And just this week (early March 2017) I saw that my willpower was still locked up and impotent. Without those parts, I was still a zombie, albeit, a very smart one. LOL

Eleven years after my husband’s death I am just beginning to get glimpses of my once and future free-spirited woman-self. I am accessing truths of myself long forgotten. I am reluctantly loosening my strangle hold on my self-definition of being smart and intelligent.

One year ago (May 2015) I sequestered myself. I remove distractions so I could dive deeper within than I ever had. These have been my results. I am an individualist and a free spirit. I am learning to define myself as an oracle, a channel, an intuitive psychic leader, a mentor, and a truth walker.

If you have read this far you know that while I am speaking about my results, I am also talking about the results you will achieve when you embrace your inner work. If you are ready to do this deep work I am ready to be your mentor.